Update.

Hi dear friends.
I know you are all probably wondering where all the IVF updates are!

We decided NOT to start IVF in February. Our plan is to start at the end of this month, but we really are just taking one day at a time.
We feel very peaceful and hopeful as we wait. We feel like God is leading us in this decision and BELIEVE me - you will know when we start the process!
Thanks for hanging in there with us as we walk this out!

Hope through history

To be honest, I have been very hesitant to go "public" with this news. 

Besides the cautiousness one takes with such a seemingly controversial issue (I am sure many people would be happy to give us their opinion on IVF, as I still find myself wanting to give others my opinion on IVF!), it does in a sense take away all elements of surprise one experiences in pregnancy: the surprise of seeing the two lines on the stick; the surprise of telling your family…your husband; the surprise of telling all of your friends.

I have to keep reminding myself that I may not get pregnant with IVF (keeping an attitude of hopeful expectancy), but if I do, the process is steered along a super-precise and very scientific timeline… definitely not a surprise.

Both Stuart and I, in addition to you all here on the blog, will know the exact time - probably the exact hour that we become pregnant.

We have to “re-adjust” the way we thought finding out we are pregnant would be.

And not only will you know the exact hour I may become pregnant, it is quite possible that we will know the very hour that I did not become pregnant.

And such is the ‘infertility emotional roller coaster’. 

I’ve been relieved and happy to be off the ride for a while. 

What’s more, I am not sure I’m entirely ready to step back into it. 

Month after month of trying to educate yourself on all the ‘right’ things and then trying to do all the ‘right’ things to get pregnant, trying to keep a realistic but hopeful perspective each month, waiting and waiting... allowing yourself to dream, and then finding out that yet again, the answer is ‘no’.

Hearing over and over again, "Just relax and it will happen" or, "Go on vacation... "I tried for almost a year to get pregnant and then we just went on vacation and it happened" or, "Just adopt. Everyone always gets pregnant after they adopt and finally stop worrying about getting pregnant."

I know that these words come from hearts yearning for us to have a family, but the words end up being another thing that didn't work for us.

I am still wondering why God won't answer in the affirmative this burning desire of my heart?  Why my body doesn't work?  Why this has to be so hard?  And what is the purpose?

This journey has taken toil on my emotional and spiritual life. 

I have had to fight depression, anger at God, anger at others who seem to sneeze and get ‘preggo’, feelings of being rejected by Him, and not copping a "I don't give a crap" or victim mentality.

The pain of infertility is unlike any other pain I have experienced.

I have been a victim of sexual assault, I lost both of my parents when I was 28, my husband has been seriously ill with cancer...and still, infertility is a different pain.

It is an emptiness that can't quite be filled.  It is a daily reminder that something that should, isn't. Something that God made to happen isn't happening.  My God-given ability as a woman is broken.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick. This truth from the Bible is the only way I can explain how it feels.  Constant hope deferred.

Yet, God is in it.  When I choose to look for Him, I can and have had joy and peace when I have chosen to have it.

It is very easy on this journey to lose track of Jesus and instead focus on all the things that are unfair and wrong.

I once did some research in the Word on the theme of infertility. 

It isn't a new thing, you know.  In fact, some of the most memorable women – and the children they eventually had – were the very ones who notably and explicitly struggled with closed wombs.  (I am not saying that I am one of these women!  I’m just sayin'…in Biblical terms.)

There's Sarah.  Poor old lady.  She became desperate in her infertility and made a rash and inappropriate decision.  Though she did “get” a legal son out of the process, her ‘mother’s heart’ was not fulfilled.  She (and Abraham) dumped a mighty load of consequences into their world via this decision.

But God still had a plan. He comes to Abraham and tells him that Sarah will have a child.   Abraham laughs at this idea.  Sarah really laughs at this idea, as she is well beyond her childbearing years.

The Lord replies to her laughter, “Is anything too hard for the Lord?”

Whoa.  Is anything too hard for the Lord?  Is my closed womb today too hard for the Lord?

As the story is written, well into her 90s, Sarah bore a son: Isaac (meaning “he laughs”).

Lord, help my unbelief...  my fear that you are limited in your ability.

And then we have Rebekah.  Isaac, the very son of the seemingly barren Sarah, marries poor Rebekah.  They were married for 20 years and never have children!  Genesis 25:21 says, “And Isaac prayed to the Lord for his wife, because she was barren.”

I wonder what was going through Isaac’s mind.  Surely he knew that his mother had issues with barrenness since she was an old lady and now he had married a barren woman.  Was it a family curse?

But the Lord answers Isaac’s prayer.  Rebekah conceived and had the infamous twins – Jacob and Esau. (I won’t go into the issues this family had with picking favorites and tricking old people with hairy arms,  but you should look it up)

And then we have Rachel.  Jacob marries his true love, poor Rachel, after he was tricked into marrying her sister Leah.  Leah bore many sons BUT Rachel was barren!  You can imagine the tension in this household.  Rachel goes to Jacob and tells him to  “give her a child or she shall die.”  He tells her that he clearly isn’t God and cannot open her womb.  But he does not pray for her as his father prayed for his mother.  Rachel eventually gives Jacob her maidservant (like Sarah) to have a child on her behalf.

Eventually, the Lord “remembered” Rachel and she had Joseph and eventually died giving birth to Benjamin.  (Go back and read the story of Jacob’s favor of Joseph and how Leah’s sons sold their brother into slavery.)

Hannah.  Hannah tugs at my heart.  I don’t know why these men haven’t figured out by now that having multiple wives just DOES NOT WORK…

Hannah’s husband Elkanah had another wife, Pininnah (aka Pinhead).  Mrs. Pinhead was fertile myrtle (of course) and Mrs. Hannah was barren.  Hannah was the most loved wife and Pinhead made her life hell.  Pinhead “provoked her grievously to irritate her because the Lord had closed her (Hannah’s) womb” [1 Samual 1:6].  Sound familiar?  Remember Leah and Rachel - Jacob's wives?

This torment went on year after year.  Hannah went to the house of the Lord and was deeply distressed and wept bitterly.  She was praying to the Lord in her distress and made a vow to the Lord, “If you will look upon the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life…” [1 Sam 1:9].

The priest, Eli, was watching her pray and he saw her lips moving (she was praying in her heart) but could not hear her voice and he thought that she was drunk.  When he confronts her, she replies that she is not drunk, but rather, she is pouring her heart out before the Lord…that she is speaking out of “her great anxiety and vexation.”  Fascinating.

Elkanah went to Hannah and she conceived a son and named him Samuel (meaning: asked of God; heard by God).  Hannah kept her vow and gave her son to the priest Eli to grow up in God’s house. Samuel was the prophet that warned the people against having a king but eventually obeyed God (at the peoples request for a king) and anointed King Saul and David as the first kings.

Whew.

And finally, we come to Elizabeth.  Luke 1:5 tells us “there was a priest named Zechariah...and he had a wife…and her name was Elizabeth. And they were both righteous before God, walking blamelessly in all the commandments and statutes of the Lord.  But they had no child, because Elizabeth was barren, and both were advanced in years.”

So, according to the text, being barren does not have to do with works or sin.  This is something I have struggled with.  Asking, “Lord, what am I not doing right?  What do I need to work on? What do you need me to ‘fix’ before you will give us a child?” Well, Mr. and Mrs. Zechariah were blameless and righteous before the Lord and they were still barren.

One year, Zechariah the priest was chosen by lot on the Day of Atonement (a once in a lifetime opportunity for a priest) to enter the temple of Lord to burn incense.  While inside, an angel of the Lord appeared to him and Zech became fearful.  The angel said, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard and your wife, Elizabeth will bear you a son and you shall call his name will John.  And you will have joy and gladness and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great before the Lord.” [Luke 1]

And good ol’ Zech replied, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man and my wife is advanced in years.”

The angel answered him, “I am Gabriel.  I stand in the presence of God, and I was sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news.  And, behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time.” Holy moly. Lord, help my unbelief!

And Mr. Zech remained mute and Elizabeth conceived in her old age.

And Mary, the virgin and cousin of Elizabeth, became pregnant with the Son of God, Jesus, when Elizabeth was six months pregnant with John the Baptist.

Nothing is too hard for God.

I find it interesting how the Mother of God was the opposite of infertile.  She had never even tried to bear a child.  All of the folks, the forerunners of Christ, struggled to bring life into the world…and Mary, a virgin, conceives a child.

The Word of God fascinates me.

This history of infertility fascinates me.  I do not know what it “means” exactly, I do not know why it had to be a part of the story, but it was and it still is.

For some strange reason this gives me great hope and encouragement.  My story of infertility will join the greater story of God’s people and HIS plan of redemption.

It is starting to change my thinking from, “We’re infertile and we have to do IVF to have a baby” to “We get to be infertile and we get to experience IVF.”  It is a privilege if sorts.

God is still the author and Creator of life.  Whether inside a body or a petri-dish under a microscope, HE breathes life into those cells and creates a human – not the doctors.  They can only set the stage, create the most favorable environment for life.  God ultimately gives life.

I will have to think on that one for a bit.  Thank you God for taking me back through a journey of your story and your redemption and your promises.

Happy Snow Day in Atlanta!

2011 is here! Approaching land...

Whew!
It is settled.


Stuart and I have decided to move forward with IVF some time this year.


It has been an extraordinarily long journey of infertility, but I believe we are out of the open waters and approaching land.